Memories alone

[King Caspian X]

"Never!" Caspian snapped. It was his word that held truth this time. Never had Susan broken a kiss to think of Lamont. Caspian knew that although she had practically betrayed him, she still must love him, at least a little bit. She had told him so, many times. But Caspian still wanted an answer from her. "Well?" he asked, indicating that just because Lamont had spoken didn't mean that she shouldn't answer him. Caspian wanted answers. He truely wanted to know why she was turning away from him.

[Queen Susan the Gentle]

"I never did anything of it, but he did come in my mind." She admitted sadly, "It took most of my will, if not all, to make it end there. I didn't want to kiss again, not after the time at the dark island. Call me crazy for it, but I couldn't do it. I didn't want you to think that my time with him effected you enough that I could not accept you. I am sorry." She knew it hurt him, but only prayed he did not die from his pain of it. he could still love another without her, he did not have to forsake hope.

[King Caspian X]

Caspian only felt worse and worse, and his heart felt as if it would dry up and die. "But how can you love him over me?" Caspian asked sadly. "I've only loved you with all my heart, and he's done nothing but treat you like a... like a... like a bitch. And still you go to him. Susan, you married me. Why is it that you turn me away? Answer me, please." Caspian pleaded. He felt aweful now. Especially because of the present that he had for her lie in the drawer of his bedroom. He was going to give it to her in a weeks time, when the new moon came and they were to see each other by their tree.

[Queen Susan the Gentle]

"I know no more than you," she cried dropping her head, "I cannot control what I feel, they simply come and go and change with the wind. I don't want to let go of everything we have and shared, but I cannot tear myself away from him. Please, Caspian, in years to come do not hate me for this. I pray that I will come back and that somehow an explination will arise. I don't think I want this, but I have no way of knowing because me being screams to be beside him while my heart longs for you. I canno understand, please do not hate."

[King Caspian X]

Caspian felt confused, hurt, lied to, betrayed, but he could never hate her. Never. "I don't hate you." he told her. The man wanted to comfort her now, even after all that she did to him, but wondered if it would be right. His heart said it was right. But logic said otherwise. Caspian fought back and forth between the two for a moment, and then kissed her forehead. If at least one of them could walk away from this mess feeling a little better, then good. He knew that he would get the short end of the stick, and he willed it to be so. He wanted her to feel good. To feel loved. To feel welcome. The man gave her one last final hug. "I'll be waiting for you come around." he told her, and pressed his lips against hers one last time. This time it was him who broke it. Him who stood up and looked around. "The light still lies in the darkness." he told her. Another code. He would still meet her by their special tree in a week. He had a gift for her, and there was no point in her not having it. Even if Caspian wondered its worth anymore. He held Galen close and helped her up. She could go to Lamont now. She could do as she pleased.

[Queen Susan the Gentle]

"I am sorry," She said again, his kiss soft and pleasureable, yet it brought tears, "Please, Caspian, forgive me for wronging you like this. You deserve not what I've done, you deserve much better." She lowered her voice so no one but Caspian would hear, "This witch, she seems to love you more than I wish I could. If you can bear to allow it accept her in my place. It will take your pain and focus it to her, and hopefully give you happiness that I could not give. Please, in my absence, love again."

[King Caspian X]

Caspian shook his head. "Never." he said, in the same tone so that no one but she could hear. "So long as you and I live, I wait for you." he told her. The next line brought tears to his eyes, but he shoed them away. "'Till Death do we part." For richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health. . . He had meant every word of his vowes. He had made a commitment. A promise. He wasn't about to go back on it. He could never love anyone but Susan. Ever. Had she meant it when she said 'I do'? Caspian did. He had meant it with all of his heart. The man held Galen closely. It was all he had left of Susan. The boy and his wedding ring, that still lay on his left hand finger. Finally, a few tears sprung from his eyes, but that was it. He would not cry. Never again would he cry. The man dried them and looked from Lamont to his wife, almost counting down the seconds it took for her to run from him like he was a monster and bury herself in the arms of his cousin. One... Two... Three... Four... Five... Six... Seven...

[Queen Susan the Gentle]

She shed her own as she saw the few tears fall. He had always been so strong to never cry, but now not even he could hold back his sadness for what she had done to him. "I am sorry," She apologized yet again and reached to whipe them from his perfect face. "If you choose to deny yourself happiness then it is I to blame and I will live shamefully for my crime to condem you to suffer. I ask you to open your heart to another so spare you, not to force you away. If it is your wish to suffer then I will suffer beside you, no matter how distant I become. But at least grant me your forgiveness."

[King Caspian X]

Caspian wanted to forgive her. To just say the words even, but they wouldn't come. They would never come. He opened his mouth in attempt to say them, he really did try. "I..." he started. "I..." but he couldn't finish it. Caspian had wanted so badly for her to at least walk away feeling alright, or at least better than he was feeling, but he couldn't. She had cheated on him. Betrayed him. And still he loved her. He could never hate her. But he couldn't forgive her either. Not now, anyway. "I can't..." he said. "I'm sorry. I will never love another. I wait for you so long as we both shall live." Caspian said. Galen was crying again, and the man rocked him gently. "You gave me this," he said, holding out his hand and showing her the wedding band. "And I will keep it. I'm still madly inlove with you, Cuddle-Bug, and I can't let you go from my heart." at this, even a few more tears fell, but he wiped them away again. This was enough. Twenty... twenty one.. twenty two... The higher he counted, the higher his hopes got that she might one day return to him. "But I can't forgive you. Not right now, at least. You've broken me." Twenty seven... twenty eight...

[Queen Susan the Gentle]

Tears flowed fresh as he rejected. No mater how she had treated him, or will in the future, no mater how she hated herself for doing this, she could not bring herself to leave without this. she could eventuly only with hours of crying and hatred for herself that would lead to things she could not say. But for now she would do anything to have it. Anything but stay, something her body would not allow. She took one of his hands, the one that bore his wedding ring from so many months ago allowing him to hold Galen with the other arm. She felt her body become weak and she fell to her knees crying and begging unable to stop. "Please Caspian forgive me. It's all I will ever ask of you, ever again. It is all that can let me cross the line of fire and not feel like the horrible lover and mother I've proven myself to be. Please forgive me. Please."

[King Caspian X]

Caspian knelt beside her. "I can't." he told her. "I'm sorry." He entangled their fingers together and looked at her, still lovingly. "I don't want it to be the last thing you ever ask of me." he told her. "I await the day that you come to me and ask me to save you. Ask me to carry you far away from that boy. Ask me to protect you and love you and never leave you. Ask me to be your Vidar again. Your warrior again." Caspian felt tears threatening to break yet again, but these ones were pushed away. "I can't forgive you right now. Let me heal." he told her, softly. "But more importantly, don't give up on me, okay? Let us be together again, someday. Can you do that for me?" he asked.

[Queen Susan the Gentle]

"If you must send me away without forgiveness then I will go." she dropped her head still crying. The final form of rejection struck hard on her, the last chance of her staying shattered. She stood and bowed to the narnian king and went past the flames to where Lamont waited. Already she could feel her nails scratching at her wrists as if the action would draw her life's blood. She looked back a final time, praying he would forgive. If only there was a chance.

[King Caspian X]

Caspian looked back at her. "I love you." he said, his voice just a whisper above the crackling flames, but still audible. Would she say it back to him? She must still love him, even in the slightest bit? She must, she had been crying at his feet. It had been fifty three seconds. Caspian would remember that number. Fifty three, fifty three, fifty three. . . it burned in his memory. Fifty three seconds it had taken her to walk from his arms and into the enemy's. Fifty three. Galen looked across the fire at his mother, his arms reaching out to her, his light blue eyes looking at her as pleadingly as Caspian's were. Would Susan tell him and Galen that she loved them both? Was this really, really, Good-bye? Or just, 'till next time'?

[Queen Susan the Gentle]

She felt herself looking away, watching the flame's base and continuing to claw at her wrists. Why did she have to be the source of all pain in Narnia? What was wrong with her? Why could she not understand that she did not belong here? And if she did already know then why did she stay? Questions like these flashed through her mind and the dark island answered with a single answer for all: You want what you cannot have. She looked to her son and cried yet again as he reached for his mother. It was for his own good that he be seperated from her. At least if she never made contact with the bl\oy she could not cause as much pain on him as she did with Caspian. "I love you Galen," She said avoiding eye contact with Caspian, "Care for your father while I am gone."

[King Caspian X]

Caspian felt a pain in his heart. No 'I love you too, Caspian'? Not even a glance his way? Nothing? Nothing at all? He stopped breathing. He didn't move. He was frozen. Maybe she really was giving up on him. Caspian hung his head in defeat. In shame. In sorrow. In agony. Slowly, he backed away. His dark eyes looked to her one last time, and then he turned. They were done here. He couldn't save his sister. He would have to save her some other time. Caspian began to walk back to the Castle, tears finally flowing freely from his eyes once he thought that no one could see him. Galen cried too. The both of them cried over a woman that they both loved, but could not spend their time with. Not even another moment. No more smiles. No more sunrises to watch. No more hugs. No more kisses. No more childish games. No more bowing when he held the door and calling her "Kind Lady." No more times to tease her and call her Cuddle-Bug. Never again would he hear her call him by his nickname, Vidar. No, he wasn't Vidar anymore. He had only heard her call him that once actually, but still, he would never hear it again. He wasn't her warrior. No more dreams of growing old together. No more sitting and talking beneath their tree. No more anything. No more Susan. He would see her again in a week, but only then. They could talk to each other, perhaps work something out. Perhaps make things better. By then, he would have destroyed the voice, too. It was in a week, that he would give her the gift.